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| The Iron Maiden Commentary | Rants | Rant 2: The Munchie Crunch Factor |


The Munchie Crunch Factor


More than anything else in the world, you love Munchie Crunch chocolate bars. Munchie Crunch is simply the best chocolate bar available, and none of the competition even comes close to providing the energy, taste, and pure satisfaction of a Munchie Crunch. It's unique depth of flavour and creative mix of nuts and taffy simply puts it in a class by itself You've been a Munchie Crunch fan ever since you were a teenager, and other fans envy your collection of Munchie Crunch wrappers. Sometimes in your spare time you experiment with making your own chocolate bars, and although you've never even come close to the quality of a Munchie Crunch, you feel somehow closer to it's true and hidden meaning. As far as fanatics go, you're pretty much the definition.

But then without much warning, Munchie Crunch's peanut supplier decides enter into the chocolate bar business for itself. Naturally you are devastated, since their peanuts were one of the most important members of the Munchie Crunch bar. But you also harbour a grain of hope that the president of Munchie Crunch Inc. will select a peanut-like substitute that does justice to the grand Munchie Crunch tradition. Eagerly you wait for the first new Munchie Crunch bars to hit the shelves, and you buy your first one with excited anticipation. You've hardly left the candy store before you carefully remove the wrapper (gotta preserve it for the collection!) and take your first bite. But wait, what is this!? The peanuts have been replaced with almonds! Heresy! Blasphemy! Catastrophe! Somehow you choke down the rest of the new bar, but you can hardly contain your disappointment and anger. How could they do this? The president must have become rich and lazy! Doesn't he care about the Munchie Crunch fans anymore? How dare he substitute superior peanuts with these measly almonds! Can't he see that almonds just don't have the range of flavour that the peanuts had?

You rush home and immediately dial the Munchie Crunch hotline, 1-800-MUNCHIE, as the wrapper instructs you to do for questions or nutritional information. "This is it!", you shout, "we fans will rise up and demand our peanuts back!" And while a few fans join in your chorus of complaint, you're shocked and dismayed that many of them like the almonds just fine. Even though they still like peanut chocolate bars, they think the almonds add a unique depth of taste that is equally satisfying in a slightly different way. They urge you to give the new Munchie Crunch bars another chance. "Just try a few more", they suggest, "you'll soon taste their depth of flavour." So you do try a few more, just so they'll see that you're fair, but your heart just isn't in it. Every time you taste those almonds you feel a surge of anger that you just can't suppress. "Those fans are all just sheep", you mutter to yourself. "They only like it because it comes in a Munchie Crunch wrapper!" Your experience in making your own chocolate bars gives you a much better perspective on how a Munchie Crunch should taste, and if they won't accept your informed opinion then to hell with them! Then and there you vow that you'll never eat another almond again. No more Munchie Crap for you! Munchie Crunch should just quit making chocolate bars altogether!

But no matter how much anger festers within, you just can't seem to walk away. "I'm still a big Munchie Crunch fan!", you insist, "I just hate its taste now!" After all, you've been into Munchie Crunch bars for so long that you can't quite imagine life without the Munchie Crunch factor. Even though the peanut supplier's chocolate bar is surprisingly good and it's peanuts taste just as great as they once did in the Munchie Crunch, something intangible still seems to be missing and you yearn for the good old days. You go home and sadly smell your collection of Munchie Crunch wrappers from the peanut era. For you, things will never be the same again.

30th November 1998



    All characters in this story are fictitious, and any resemblance of real people or chocolate bars is purely coincidental. No Republicans were euthanized during the writing of this story.

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